the first of sundays. or, how maya is teaching me about letting go.
i was tickled and terrified at once when i said yes to my crazy talented and dearest jen to join in on a personal photography project she was joining in with andrea, another ridiculously amazing woman, who started it all. we were to take a moment, or many, to document our life, with our real cameras, every sunday. i knew i wanted in because something like this, where i'm accountable to friends, would be the thing that made me blog. okay, also i missed the images from our life before iphones...when i took the time to take out and set up my camera, and a little more thoughtfully document our days.
saturday was a long day, as friday had been a long night with maya, poor old girl. she'd been up through all hours, pacing and fussing. we two were up most of the night. saturday, while administering the newest tinctures and homeopathic medicines, i was kissing her cold wet nose in between and laughing at her tricky way of hiding pills in the side of her mouth and spitting them out when i turned around, when billy said rather earnestly, "that dog loves you so much, it's actually moving." which moved me. and i knew then what i wanted to shoot the next morning.
sunday came, and i came downstairs with purpose and armed with my camera. i was determined to photograph that gushy look of love maya's eyes held just for me. i wanted to capture just how it looked to be that unabashedly, unconditionally adored. and the rascal was already waiting on my favorite new flowered sofa. it was perfect. i triumphantly started shooting, sure i would get The Face.
and she was skeptical.
and we got close,
and we had our little staring sessions but i quickly saw i could never really capture what was in her eyes, (not until i invent that camera that sits behind your eyeball and the shutter is released with the blink of your eyelid. patent pending.) and honestly, it bummed me out. i was sure that was what i was supposed to catch until i started to put my camera away and saw it. this face.
this sweet face, with her sprinkled grey and fading freckles. with cloudy eyes that, when not beaming out all that love, looked tired and far away. the shutter snapped and it zapped me, that this girl of mine, this comrade and dearest, devoted friend of nearly fifteen years, has possibly been trying to prepare me for her absence. that it could be sooner than later that she can't stay here. and while it sinks my heart like a bag of rocks, i am thankful for the time and lessons with this girl. and grateful for the lens i have to see it though.